I want you to be there forever. Laying on the floor of my bedroom and closing your eyes and listening to music while I pretend to do the same. Your thumb running over my knuckles and your palm sweat mingling with mine- and you don't mind. It doesn't matter to you that my fan is dusty or my bed is tumbled or there is a cup of tea from three days ago on my nightstand. The fact that I don't wear the same clothes as other girls and the fact that I tell dirty jokes and the fact that I am inappropriate too often, none of it phases you. You know that I get depressed sometimes and if I don't answer you it's because I love you too much to expose you to my personal waking nightmare, and you know that I have panic attacks and I am afraid to sleep with the window open. You understand that I can't be smothered from too much affection, and you understand that I have problems sleeping without you pressed against me, and you understand that when I push you away it's because other people have broken me when they got so close.
I don't want to spend the beginning of my life without you or the rest of my life without you because you are the most important person I may ever have the opportunity to meet. There is this feeling of pure euphoria when I look at you with your obnoxiously lovely face. It's something I can't help, because I know that you're the special one. You're that person I've read about in books, and I imagine my life with late at night, and I wanted to know on the nights when someone else broke my heart. You are the person that I know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to impress although you've been amazed since the first moment, and you're the person who will convince me to have children, and you're the person who will hold my hand even when I don't deserve you.
There is a striving in my entire being to understand your little things. I want to see you when you're angry, and when you're sad, and I want to understand what makes you feel like that, so I won't do it too often. Please help me learn about your favorite foods and your favorite novels and favorite movies, let me read the poems you write when you want to be an artist. Show me your paintings you made with ten-year-old finger paint. Teach me how to tickle you and explain your deepest fears.
Let me into your rib cage and let me make my home there.
I promise to be so careful.
Loving someone so much can make you wonder what you would do without them, trust me, I've felt it before. But you, man, you are the anomaly in this world of mine. You are the one I can't pin down, and the one I would never want to trap. The things I think and feel around you are a tornado ripping through everything I've ever found to be true.
I question it all, for you.
...
When the song ends and your eyes open, you breath up from the bottom of your ribs to your collarbone, and you look over. There is something in your eyes that shatters my world every time they meet mine. When you just lean over and kiss me, like it's a habit you'll never give up, I think I might lose myself in this, this, world. I guess that's my real description of what I want from you. When it's us, we, together in the togetherness of it all, nothing else exists. The world is new and it's only you and I, and I don't think I could ever breath again without your lips reminding me how. You have created a world of knowledge and hope and nobody else has the rocket power to get here. It will be infinite years before we are disturbed, and, even then, you will just open those eyes and look at me and kiss me like a habit, and,
oh,
a new world is created.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Pretty Sure This Doesn't Have a Point...
You know how everyone is always telling you that timing is everything? I really think that's true.
I also think it's true that if you try hard enough, timing is nothing.
But when you reach that moment, that deciding factor, where you pick if you are going to put in the effort, or if you are going to let that person, that opportunity, that chance, go- that's what really is everything.
That choice is what is going to shape your future. Sometimes, that person, man, you can't help it. You put absolutely everything into them and you work your butt off to the point where all you have is inside of them now. I'm pretty sure that's what you call an unhealthy relationship.
But, looking at that choice...it is so terrifying. It wraps its arms around you and you can't move and you wouldn't ever want to because that person, that one in billions seems worth it. No matter what you lose, or what you give up, you are invested and letting go of them is not something you're willing to do.
So what happens when they let go of you?
I am going to be very brutally honest as I tell you that it is the shittiest thing another person could probably do to you. Just stop talking, start lying, acting embarrassed of you. If there was a time to lose yourself, this would be that moment. In fact, if you're in that deeply, you probably lost yourself a long time ago.
Telling you where I am going with these thoughts would be completely futile. I just know that I'm very scared of what's going on. High school is the best times of your life for about 4% of the population. The rest? We spend those years just trying to slip through without getting too emotionally damaged or trying to kill ourselves.
Body hair and heartbreak is those four years in a nutshell. Talk about a reason to be frustrated with your life! Now, lets toss in some details from my own, self-proclaimed genius (not really) of a mind.
High school is this huge swamp of people who are more confused than adults or children. They are all totally unsure of who they really are, what they're doing with their life, and couldn't tell you up from down most of the time. They feel alone, confused, horny, dorky, happy, sad, and a million other things in a day. Now, stick several hundred people like this in a building for 7 hours a day and tell me what you think you'd discover. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. How in the crap are you supposed to choose the path for the rest of your life when you're dealing with a bunch of immature crazy people? I couldn't tell you.
Basically, my timing sucks, and I don't want to get heartbroken, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and I can't fail school because then I'll ruin my own life over a boy who I didn't even like that much.
Yes. I am completely certain this had no point.
Except to blurt all my crap.
Sorry.
I also think it's true that if you try hard enough, timing is nothing.
But when you reach that moment, that deciding factor, where you pick if you are going to put in the effort, or if you are going to let that person, that opportunity, that chance, go- that's what really is everything.
That choice is what is going to shape your future. Sometimes, that person, man, you can't help it. You put absolutely everything into them and you work your butt off to the point where all you have is inside of them now. I'm pretty sure that's what you call an unhealthy relationship.
But, looking at that choice...it is so terrifying. It wraps its arms around you and you can't move and you wouldn't ever want to because that person, that one in billions seems worth it. No matter what you lose, or what you give up, you are invested and letting go of them is not something you're willing to do.
So what happens when they let go of you?
I am going to be very brutally honest as I tell you that it is the shittiest thing another person could probably do to you. Just stop talking, start lying, acting embarrassed of you. If there was a time to lose yourself, this would be that moment. In fact, if you're in that deeply, you probably lost yourself a long time ago.
Telling you where I am going with these thoughts would be completely futile. I just know that I'm very scared of what's going on. High school is the best times of your life for about 4% of the population. The rest? We spend those years just trying to slip through without getting too emotionally damaged or trying to kill ourselves.
Body hair and heartbreak is those four years in a nutshell. Talk about a reason to be frustrated with your life! Now, lets toss in some details from my own, self-proclaimed genius (not really) of a mind.
High school is this huge swamp of people who are more confused than adults or children. They are all totally unsure of who they really are, what they're doing with their life, and couldn't tell you up from down most of the time. They feel alone, confused, horny, dorky, happy, sad, and a million other things in a day. Now, stick several hundred people like this in a building for 7 hours a day and tell me what you think you'd discover. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. How in the crap are you supposed to choose the path for the rest of your life when you're dealing with a bunch of immature crazy people? I couldn't tell you.
Basically, my timing sucks, and I don't want to get heartbroken, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and I can't fail school because then I'll ruin my own life over a boy who I didn't even like that much.
Yes. I am completely certain this had no point.
Except to blurt all my crap.
Sorry.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Stronger
So I am pretty much the most intense blogger ever, I understand. There is just something so freeing about being able to write down the things you're struggling with, or the goals you want to set. Putting it down makes it feel real to me. While I actually am a pretty hilarious (if I do say so myself) this blog seems to be very deep, my apologies. I'm not really a brooding, angsty, teenager 100% of the time.
That being said, I want to talk about something kinda crazy.
When I was a little kid, a man locked me in a bathroom with him and tried to make me do some extremely awful things. I don't want to talk about it a lot, and it wasn't half as bad as it could have easily become, but it was still terrifying. Being so young the only thing I really remember is being pushed into the little space and then the entire time I traced these grapes on a glass container that was sitting on a shelf. But there is still this feeling of shame, feeling of terror, when I think about it.
Following this, this past summer I was staying at my aunt's house and was sleeping in my younger cousin's room. The nights were hot and I slept with the window open. One night, around 3 am I awoke to a man standing outside the window, the screen sliced, and a large pole in the room with me, pulling my clothes and covers off of me. At first, I thought it was a joke. But when I spoke the man ran, and I proceeded to get up, run into the living room, and have a severe panic attack until I fell asleep again. The next morning, I told my aunt and the police were called, but we still have no idea who the creep was.
Last night these things just really attacked me. While I've been trying so hard to work through my struggles, it's obvious this stuff would come up, I mean, these are some of the most terrifying moments of my life. For hours, I laid in bed, unable to breath steadily, just sobbing, clenching my fists, and feeling so angry. I have never associated anger with these memories. Mostly sadness, fear, things like that. But the pure rage that filled me because these men thought it was acceptable to violate me and my privacy and my innocence is a new one. I imagined grabbing that pole and ripping it from him and beating him with it. I imagined screaming and yelling and kicking and punching and jumping out the window after him. I imagined someone saving my little self from that sick man.
I want to talk about what I am going to do.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. Sure, it isn't okay or fair that these things happened, but me not doing anything to prepare for another chance encounter is just stupid. There will be no paranoia. I trust men, I don't fear them.
However, I refuse to be taken advantage of ever again. I really feel like it is time for me to start learning ways to defend myself. Women have to know how to take care of themselves, and I am taking initiative. This week I am going to sign up for a defense class.
I will not be weak.
These men taking advantage of me is not okay. And I'm sure this is not be what they planned, but their corruption is my inspiration to never be that girl who doesn't know how to react again.
That being said, I want to talk about something kinda crazy.
When I was a little kid, a man locked me in a bathroom with him and tried to make me do some extremely awful things. I don't want to talk about it a lot, and it wasn't half as bad as it could have easily become, but it was still terrifying. Being so young the only thing I really remember is being pushed into the little space and then the entire time I traced these grapes on a glass container that was sitting on a shelf. But there is still this feeling of shame, feeling of terror, when I think about it.
Following this, this past summer I was staying at my aunt's house and was sleeping in my younger cousin's room. The nights were hot and I slept with the window open. One night, around 3 am I awoke to a man standing outside the window, the screen sliced, and a large pole in the room with me, pulling my clothes and covers off of me. At first, I thought it was a joke. But when I spoke the man ran, and I proceeded to get up, run into the living room, and have a severe panic attack until I fell asleep again. The next morning, I told my aunt and the police were called, but we still have no idea who the creep was.
Last night these things just really attacked me. While I've been trying so hard to work through my struggles, it's obvious this stuff would come up, I mean, these are some of the most terrifying moments of my life. For hours, I laid in bed, unable to breath steadily, just sobbing, clenching my fists, and feeling so angry. I have never associated anger with these memories. Mostly sadness, fear, things like that. But the pure rage that filled me because these men thought it was acceptable to violate me and my privacy and my innocence is a new one. I imagined grabbing that pole and ripping it from him and beating him with it. I imagined screaming and yelling and kicking and punching and jumping out the window after him. I imagined someone saving my little self from that sick man.
I want to talk about what I am going to do.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. Sure, it isn't okay or fair that these things happened, but me not doing anything to prepare for another chance encounter is just stupid. There will be no paranoia. I trust men, I don't fear them.
However, I refuse to be taken advantage of ever again. I really feel like it is time for me to start learning ways to defend myself. Women have to know how to take care of themselves, and I am taking initiative. This week I am going to sign up for a defense class.
I will not be weak.
These men taking advantage of me is not okay. And I'm sure this is not be what they planned, but their corruption is my inspiration to never be that girl who doesn't know how to react again.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Imagine
I want you to stop and imagine the person you love the most. That person you just really care about. Now I want you to think about how you'd feel if you found out they were cutting their wrists so deeply their arms wouldn't stop shaking. What if they made themselves throw up to be pretty. What if they didn't eat for so long they collapsed? Would you make them your punchline? Make a joke about how you're gonna go cut yourself or kid about how someone should stop eating to lose weight?
No?
Well then why do you do that to other people's person they love most?
What is so funny about mental illness when it isn't someone you're close to?
Nothing. It isn't something to joke about. Those few laughs you might get, aren't worth that person in class feeling ashamed or stupid because you think them wanting to die is a laughing matter.
If it was that person who matters to you, if it was you, it wouldn't be a joke. So it isn't when someone else is in that situation. Just realize that.
No?
Well then why do you do that to other people's person they love most?
What is so funny about mental illness when it isn't someone you're close to?
Nothing. It isn't something to joke about. Those few laughs you might get, aren't worth that person in class feeling ashamed or stupid because you think them wanting to die is a laughing matter.
If it was that person who matters to you, if it was you, it wouldn't be a joke. So it isn't when someone else is in that situation. Just realize that.
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