Stronger

So I am pretty much the most intense blogger ever, I understand. There is just something so freeing about being able to write down the things you're struggling with, or the goals you want to set. Putting it down makes it feel real to me. While I actually am a pretty hilarious (if I do say so myself) this blog seems to be very deep, my apologies. I'm not really a brooding, angsty, teenager 100% of the time.

That being said, I want to talk about something kinda crazy.

When I was a little kid, a man locked me in a bathroom with him and tried to make me do some extremely awful things. I don't want to talk about it a lot, and it wasn't half as bad as it could have easily become, but it was still terrifying. Being so young the only thing I really remember is being pushed into the little space and then the entire time I traced these grapes on a glass container that was sitting on a shelf. But there is still this feeling of shame, feeling of terror, when I think about it.
Following this, this past summer I was staying at my aunt's house and was sleeping in my younger cousin's room. The nights were hot and I slept with the window open. One night, around 3 am I awoke to a man standing outside the window, the screen sliced, and a large pole in the room with me, pulling my clothes and covers off of me. At first, I thought it was a joke. But when I spoke the man ran, and I proceeded to get up, run into the living room, and have a severe panic attack until I fell asleep again. The next morning, I told my aunt and the police were called, but we still have no idea who the creep was.

Last night these things just really attacked me. While I've been trying so hard to work through my struggles, it's obvious this stuff would come up, I mean, these are some of the most terrifying moments of my life. For hours, I laid in bed, unable to breath steadily, just sobbing, clenching my fists, and feeling so angry. I have never associated anger with these memories. Mostly sadness, fear, things like that. But the pure rage that filled me because these men thought it was acceptable to violate me and my privacy and my innocence is a new one. I imagined grabbing that pole and ripping it from him and beating him with it. I imagined screaming and yelling and kicking and punching and jumping out the window after him. I imagined someone saving my little self from that sick man.

I want to talk about what I am going to do.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. Sure, it isn't okay or fair that these things happened, but me not doing anything to prepare for another chance encounter is just stupid. There will be no paranoia. I trust men, I don't fear them.
However, I refuse to be taken advantage of ever again. I really feel like it is time for me to start learning ways to defend myself. Women have to know how to take care of themselves, and I am taking initiative. This week I am going to sign up for a defense class.

I will not be weak. 

These men taking advantage of me is not okay. And I'm sure this is not be what they planned, but their corruption is my inspiration to never be that girl who doesn't know how to react again.